Friday, March 21, 2008

The Swan of Newark - I wants to make your flesh creep

It's been some time since we've visited the famed Victorian Lady Novelist, the Swan of Newark. But society is abuzz with the scandalous news: it turns out she is a heartless FLIRT! It was only two weeks ago that she plighted her troth, in the most affecting terms, to the dashing Hillary Clinton.
Okay, so shoot me. If it isn't already abundantly clear, I'm for Ms. Hillary as the Democratic Candidate for the next President of these United States.
It's so cute to listen to people talk about that other special person when they're in the first flush of enthusiasm. All that extravagant emotion and bubbling excitement.
She's highly intelligent, politically savvy, experienced, seasoned and tested.

And, yes. She's a Bitch.

Put a 'capitol B' on that word, please. Because of all of the adjectives above.

But, alas! How fickle is the heart of a novelist!

Only two weeks later, and she's about to run away with a travelling man, the well-known and captivating Mr. Barack O'Jingle.

"Tell me these rumours are not true, Elizabeth!" exclaimed Hillary, her voice gruff with emotion.

"I'm sorry, Hillary, but Mr. O'Jingle has won my heart!"

"But we have been destined for each other since the cradle! Pray, pray reflect. Think of our many years of patient waiting for this day - will you throw it all aside for the sake of a...a...mountebank?"

"Have a care, Hillary - you speak of things you cannot know. Of a love that is pure and sensitive! Of a love that dare not..."

"Yes, yes, I know," snapped Hillary, a frown creasing her stern features. "But I tell you this - you will never know happiness with Mr. O'Jingle. He is a bounder, I tell you! Why, it's already known that he keeps a pastor in Chicago, and who knows where else? He will toss you aside on November 5, 2008."

"Enough, Hillary!" cried the Lady Novelist, rising to her feet and sweeping proudly across the room. "You forget yourself. I will listen to no more slanders!"

At that moment, the door opened and the graceful figure of Mr. O'Jingle surged into the room.

"Loud talk--voices raised--forces of divisiveness--very."

"I won't let them take me away from you!" wailed the Lady Novelist, hurling herself into the arms of Mr. O'Jingle.

"Believe the change--wait to hope--believe to wait--hope the change--we's the wheeze we's waiting for..."

"Don't be a fool, Elizabeth!" snarled Hillary, whose virile features were contorted with jealousy and rage. "He promises you a grand white house, where I can only offer you a humble cottage in Westchester, but he only wants you for your vote! Come back to me, and all will be forgiven."

"Never!" cried the Lady Novelist. "I can no longer endure the burdens of an arranged marriage. I hearby break our engagement! I will follow my heart, out into the wilderness if need be, but never alone. Mr. O'Jingle and I will live on eloquence and reparations payments if need be, and I will face the future with him...unafraid!"

And casting a little cloak about her shoulders, she took Mr. O'Jingle's hand, and together they went out to brave the harshness of a Democratic Convention.

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6 Comments:

Anonymous Miss Sippi said...

Oh Doctor, my dear. You have outdone yourself.

11:41 am  
Anonymous Christopher Johnson said...

Here's the deal, Doctor. As soon as you accumulate enough of these(and I have no doubt that the Swan will provide you with ample material; speaking of which, did you see in Living Church where the Swan and some of her gal pals are going to be visiting Episcopal dioceses that are insufficiently enthusiastic about women's ordination), you have to publish them. I'll order a copy as soon as you do.

1:13 pm  
Anonymous Ken said...

That was funny. Although, as someone fond of strong women, "bitch" has a totally different meaning. Which is no surprise.

1:22 pm  
Blogger Dr. Mabuse said...

Yes, I saw that, Chris, thanks to your site - it wasn't on her own blog, so I wouldn't have seen it otherwise. She and the rest of her gal pals are also going to Lambeth; I recall her announcing that a long time ago, right after the GC 06. So I'm sure that will be an interesting addition to the chronicles.

1:50 pm  
Anonymous Jeffersonian said...

You have to understand The Swan's priorities, Doc. She's first and foremost a Leftist, with this worldview informing all else. This would normally militate that she follow the rules of identity politics and support her fellow gyno-American, Hillary.

But when the Obamessiah was found to have been an acolyte of an America-hating racist conspiracy theorist, this easily trumped vagina politics as the central organizing principle of the Left the world over is loathing of America. The honkey-hating is icing on the cake.

5:04 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL... who didn't see this coming 100 miles down the road? If the Swan were any more predictable you could set your watch by her.

Ellie

9:58 am  

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