Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Irate letter

Dean got this in an email at work - I don't know if it really IS a genuine letter to the Passport Office, but honestly, there's no reason why it couldn't be!

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuckin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure
as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fuckin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60 !!!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really
me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(fuckin' morons)

Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate fucking Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the
Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang.

I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST fucking CHINA!!!


Hamilton, Ontario Canada

(Hat tip also: Motley.com)

9 Comments:

Blogger Dr. Alice said...

...my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans.

He got what was coming to him. [g]

BTW, if you haven't checked the Swan of Newark lately her latest post is a real winner; an apologia for three-way relationships. No, I'm not kidding. I submitted a comment that essentially said, "When did priests lose their spines? When did it not become okay to look someone in the eye and say, 'What you are doing is wrong'?" Naturally, I'm sure she won't post it.

11:02 pm  
Blogger Kasia said...

I especially loved the P.S. The Canuck is renewing his passport right now, so between that and the immigration paperwork we're filling out for the USCIS, plus his student loan interest relief application and some other stuff, we're both just tickled to death with bureaucracy...

12:45 pm  
Anonymous Toral said...

I hate to be contrarian -- well, no, I actually like being contrarian -- but the Passport Office struck me as one of the more user-friendly parts of the Canadian bureaucracy. You're supposed to apply something like 15 days before you need one...but if you are late and need one 5, 4, 3, or even 2 days in advance of your trip, they will have it ready.

I believe that part of this is that most people who need passports are at least somewhat well-off, and if they are dissatisfied with the passport office's service, they tend to contact their MPs. MPs tend to dislike letters like your example, especially if they contain the magic phrase, "I will never vote for you again."

3:55 pm  
Anonymous Ellie M said...

I'm sure you're right, toral, but that still was one heck of a funny read.

Off to the Swan's nest now for some more entertainment (thanks for the tip dr.alice)...

8:40 pm  
Blogger Dr. Mabuse said...

The other magic phrase that is sure to raise ire is, "And I am CANCELLING my subscription!"

9:12 pm  
Blogger Dr. Mabuse said...

ellie m: Make sure you wear hip-waders; the guano's getting pretty deep over there.

8:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cathartic: I loved it. The problems with Toral's rebuttal are:

- the letter gives concrete reasons for dissatisfaction. Toral does not address these, but instead engages in disparaging speculation about the writer's psychological state.

- All people who need passports are members of the privileged classes. Riiiight. You can tell by his language.

9:49 am  
Blogger Kasia said...

Well, I will say that Toral is right that the passport office IS one of the more user-friendly parts of the Canadian bureaucracy, at least from what I've seen so far. It's certainly far more efficient than the student loan interest relief folks.

But as the anonymous poster observed, the letter DOES make some pretty specific points that aren't addressed by the fact that the passport office is relatively user-friendly. You can be efficient and relatively user-friendly, but I can still be irritated by the fact that you yet again need me to list my parents' names, and have some arbitrarily-determined upstanding member of the community vouch for me...

10:17 am  
Anonymous Ellie M said...

Dr Mab: they are, indeed, guano bonkers over there. But theres' really nothing surprising there. We had an "education session" at my parish on SSB's a while back, an when I raised the question of this leading to possible polygamous/polyamourous blessings, the (gay) guest speaker sneered: "Ah yes, the slippery slope argument."

I should print up that whole discussion (with the juicier bits underlined) and mail it to the supercilious SOB.

7:04 pm  

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