Worship the Lord in the Beauty of Bitchiness
Letter from the Head of the Altar Guild to all Brass-Polishers and Linen-Menders
I have just been in contact with Bishop O'Neill about the shocking events at our beloved parish. Thanks to the precipitate action of the Vestry to hijack the parish and follow the renegade Fr. Armstrong all the way to Nigeria, the locks on the sacristy cupboards have been changed! And so I regret to say that I have been unable to retrieve the church linens and chalices, which I intended to turn over to Bishop O'Neill for safekeeping. All I was able to find were a can of Brasso from under the sink, and 3 wrinkled corporals and a very sweaty amice, which had been left in the washing-basket.
Letter from the Flower Co-ordinator
I was completely shocked by the actions of the Vestry, and immediately got on the phone to Bishop O'Neill to ask him what I should do about the Easter flower arrangements. As a lifelong Episcopalian, who intends to remain that way, I told him I don't know nuthin' about no Nigerian flower arranging, and asked if it would be more appropriate under the circumstances to decorate the altar with an arrangement of cacti.
Letter from the Coffee Hour Coordinator
As soon as I heard the news, I called Bishop O'Neill to tell him that two salt-shakers were missing from the church kitchen, and nobody had washed the coffee urn last Sunday, so I ended up having to scrub it with baking soda to get it presentable. If this is the way they do things in Nigeria, they can HAVE IT! I look forward to enjoying good, honest Episcopalian coffee with the rest of you before long.
UPDATE: Oof. Once again, reality trumps fiction.
The candlesticks, most of the vestry and the flock (an estimated 850 attended the three services there Sunday), and associate rector the Rev. Eric Zolner went with Armstrong....
Carolyn Bassett joyfully hugged an old friend that she discovered also had stayed with the Armstrong camp: "At least we won't be sent to the lions," she kidded. Later, Bassett mourned that half the altar guild had sided with the Episcopal Church.
Labels: Episcopal church