Monday, October 02, 2006

My secret shame

There are not that many advantages to living in Ottawa, Canada, but one is that David Warren lives here too. This means that we get to read his column 3 times a week in 'The Ottawa Citizen', and that alone makes it worth the price of subscription. His column from yesterday had a particularly entertaining opening:
If I had a nickel for every correspondent who has told me my opinions can be explained by the "fact" that I am a closet gay, I would have earned five dollars by now.
Heh. You too, eh? (When I read Dean this insightful conjecture, he remarked that it didn't sound like the beginning of much of a compliment.) Of course, my traffic wouldn't yield me 5 dollars - maybe a quarter. But I've observed the same phenomenon - it seems that there really are no heterosexual people in the world, just homosexuals who are still in the closet. Rather like the madder Muslims, who insist that everyone is REALLY born a Muslim, it's just that we infidels don't know it yet.

Now, David Warren goes on to list some suspicious characteristics, and my innate truthfulness compels me to admit that I share some of them, so it looks like my fate is genuinely sealed. I'm an opera-fancier, too. Of course, David says that if a man likes sopranos, that means he's gay; so since I like baritones, I guess that equation works out to the same result. Though I must say, most of the singers I fancy are pretty flagrantly heterosexual - Italians, you know, along with the American Sherrill Milnes. (But with a name like Sherrill, he must also count as gay.) The chintz and spode I can pass on, but I do like aluminum coffeepots and kitchen gadgets. Make of it what you will.

8 Comments:

Blogger Nasty, Brutish & Short said...

And gardening. Don't forget all the gardening, you Sick Puppy.

3:20 pm  
Blogger orakensington said...

Tsk, tsk. Such denial. Why there are women and men everywhere - especially the priesthood, it appears - where enlightenment opens eyes to the true calling of abandoning spouse and children for the self-enriching purpose of sexual fulfillment.
How dare you not explore your hidden potential? How dare you live into your marriage vows and raise your children in a loving and responsible manner. What tragedy! What horror!

Exactly, WHO-do-you-think-you-are?

5:16 pm  
Blogger Dr. Alice said...

I left a comment telling her what a schmuck she was. Got the same general response: obviously, it must be MY problem.

Thank goodness she doesn't know I'm over 40 and unmarried; she'd be certain I was a closet case then.

5:26 pm  
Blogger Peter said...

I felt a bit sorry for her to be honest.

The real sorry-for-her, not the condescending sarcastic kind.

5:53 pm  
Blogger Dr. Mabuse said...

NBS - Oh, God, yes - the tomatoes and the roses! And I like musicals, too (especially Fred Astaire). I'm doomed.

8:33 pm  
Blogger Kasia said...

"Mama liked the roses..."

Didn't know Elvis' mama was a lesbian... ;-)

2:28 pm  
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